釋放

所有的動物，當牠們遇到生存威脅時，感官會馬上敏銳起來，這是求生的本能。做全職爸爸前的多年，因研究工作和學業，每天我都是在龐大的心理壓力下生活，雖然有近千度近視，但味覺、嗅覺和觸覺皆好到不得了。我對所有的氣味，包括人體的氣味，尤其靈敏。 那時，吸煙的人的體味會使我喉嚨痛，我更可以嗅到面前的那個人是否身體不適，朋友都嘖嘖稱奇。那時，太太會不時對我說：「你個鼻係咪狗鼻！？」

後來當了全職爸爸，少了研究工作的壓力，雖然育兒對我整體上是快樂的經驗，但每晚仍要寫論文，加上一些自己的偏執，精神壓力未解除。

亦因此，像很多城市人一樣，我亦有輕微的潔癖，要經常洗手、多次檢查一切是否做妥等。前者是由於經常覺得手部接觸東西後不舒服 ，後者更多是過份緊張的性格導致。冬天由於經常洗手，往往使皮膚因過份乾燥而脫皮。

為了不想影響囝囝與蟲蟲的關係，那個觸覺超敏銳的我 (連一隻螞蟻在手臂上爬都會混身不自在── 不是心裡害怕，而是皮膚起疙瘩)，曾經硬著頭皮，在囝囝面前活捉天花板上的三四十條吊絲蟲，還要裝著神態自若。

今年以來我的心理壓力沒有了，但是感官卻變得較遲鈍，雖然不再怕摸蟲蟲，也不再太介意雙手和雙腳的乾淨 (潔癖也自行痊癒了, 未嚐一口西藥)，但炒餸起鑊時比以前難聞到爆香了的蒜和薑，舌頭也沒有以前般靈敏，較難試味，戴了廿年的眼鏡也終於要換了。而且，短期記憶也差了好多，東西放下可以馬上找不到。雖然我整體上是開心的，但亦有可惜的感覺。我有孩子臉，但早老了。

「爸爸...在哪? 就在你的塗鴉裏」

孩子問:

琴放了在哪?

我見到桌上的塗鴉
說: 在John Lennon 叔叔那裏

John Lennon 叔叔在哪?
John Lennon 叔叔在六十年代裏

六十年代在哪?
六十年代在爸爸的青少年時代裏

爸爸的青少年時代在哪?
就在你的塗鴉裏

(雄仔叔叔，《琴放在哪?》，第三十五通，2003‧9‧7)

一直想帶囝囝去現場聽尊敬的雄仔叔叔 (阮志雄，本地專業兒童故事創作者及說故事人)說故事。得知旺角序言書室舉辦雄仔叔叔「這裡有詩、這裡有故事」詩會，便致電雄仔叔叔，詢問囝囝今次是否適宜前去，他說歡迎，還說會帶備玩具和為囝囝準備一些故事。

詩會開始，四周都擠滿詩人和讀者，囝囝本來玩著雄仔叔叔的結他，現在要回到座位。(關於當日詩會的錄音重溫，可按這裡。) 讀著手上由主辦機構派發的詩集，當中包括了雄仔叔叔以「蕪露」這筆名於1975-85期間所發表的詩，加上近年的詩作 (包括本文開始的一首)，共載有他的二十首新詩，每篇都反映雄仔叔叔對這個城市的感受和追求，加上五篇年青詩人的作品，雖然只是影印本，但感覺卻非常珍貴。雄仔叔叔分享了不同時代的詩和背後的創作故事，旁邊是Billy叔叔的即興結他伴奏。

囝囝一直靜靜聽著看著，不知道他是否明白，不過三十分鐘後，他似乎開始覺得有點沉悶，我把書包裡的一罐蠟筆和僅有的一張白紙拿出來，由於前排座位坐滿了人，只能讓囝囝在我腳前面積僅一平方英呎的地板上畫畫。囝囝很快塗滿了整塊紙張，我於是把手上的IPod Touch 給他當相機用，叫他幫忙拍照，結果他完全投入和享受這個活動，很快便影了Billy叔叔二百多幅相 (有雄仔叔叔的，只有下圖 :-)！

拍夠了，本來想帶著囝囝提早離開，擔心他發出不耐煩的聲浪，但由於我們坐在前台位置，起身會打擾正在導賞的樊善標教授和其他靜心欣賞的讀者，幸好詩會有西餅供應，囝囝一面開心地坐著吃著前排讀者靜靜地傳過來的蛋糕，一面聽著Billy吹奏單簧管。

滿以為囝囝可安靜一會。怎知他吃完蛋糕後不知是否因為血糖上升:-)，當時雄仔叔叔正在朗誦《給傅魯炳的.........》(註) 一詩，他突然興致勃勃地跑到台前，躲到雄仔叔叔的背後，快速地撥動放在牆角的結他的弦線！沙沙......沙沙......不和諧的結他、哀怨的單簧管加上沙啞的嗓子，竟然完全配合傅魯炳的咆哮和世界的荒謬！

不經不覺，囝囝竟逗留在這個成人派對裡近兩個小時，自得其樂，旁邊的大眼姨姨不停稱讚囝囝是個乖孩子。不過，我們也是時候先走了。對不起，雄仔叔叔，下次再聽您說故事。

跟著與囝囝去了九龍公園，平時我們必定先到遊樂場，但由於已接近傍晚，今次我很想囝囝能多些呼吸花木的氣味和參觀一下很久沒有探訪的鳥湖。果然，囝囝馬上留意到水禽池塘裡的黑頸天鵝、赤咀潛鴨和粉嘴潛鴨等雀鳥，好可愛。但最吸引他的，還是大型池塘上數以百計的大小紅鸛：牠們作出各種不同的姿勢和動作，有的正在覓食， 有的正在游泳，有的正在展翅，更多的正在單腳站立，形態優雅。我吩咐囝囝用心記著紅鶴身體不同部位的形狀和顏色，回家後便可以把紅鶴畫出來，囝囝很專心的觀察著，我走到他的背後，與他一起凝視著最前面的一隻紅鸛，教他用他的手指尖，慢慢地在空中描出牠的輪廓......

然後我們模仿紅鶴，玩「金雞獨立」，看誰站得久，哪個不會跌倒 (當然是我輸囉！:-)，囝囝笑得合不攏嘴....

晚飯時間又到，囝囝說想吃雞脾和豬扒，我把他帶到快餐店，他乖乖地坐在位子上，我則去購買雜扒雜菜鐵板餐，加上一杯果汁。炙熱的鐵板放在他的面前，我把醬汁淋在上面，嘩啦！醬汁立時化成熱騰騰的蒸氣，這是囝囝第一次看到這樣的場面！只見他睜大眼睛，面上露出既驚訝又雀躍的神情！對我來說是熟悉和普通不過的「熱氣」，對孩子來說卻是獨一無二、世上最棒、最刺激的現象！原 來，看得到的熱棘棘、嗅得到的香噴噴、聽得到的響滋滋，是這樣的使人著迷！

此時此刻，我同樣興奮得不能自已，與囝囝在餐桌前緊緊的擁抱在一起。

感謝孩子，與他一起，跟他相處，我能夠重新認識和感受這些日常生活上的精彩細節，這些平時因為生活步伐太急促而錯失的美好當下，因著囝囝的專注、直覺和本能，我能再次深深體驗和感動。

吃完了晚飯，與囝囝去行廟街，走了不遠，在某個販賣畫作的攤檔，我們各自揀了一小幅「水彩畫」 (當然是印刷品)：囝囝選了滿佈店鋪招牌的街道上的電車、的士和小巴 (他最愛電車「無廢氣」)，我則選了背景是尖沙咀鐘樓和太空館的維港天星小輪、帆船和舢舨，老板本來每幅叫價三十元，見到囝囝好鐘意，又見我在兒子面前對他售賣的畫讚不絕口，竟然主動每幅減價十元，真好。

晚上七時半。囝囝平時很少機會逛夜市，每次看見霓虹光管招牌便開心，所以本來還想與他逛完整條廟街，看看香港的平民夜總會。怎知囝囝忽然說：「我想返屋企，我好掛住媽媽。」我們便決定回家。

囝囝見到媽媽，兩人都掛念著對方。抱抱。

第二朝，他果然用蠟筆，填了一幅池塘紅鸛填色畫，還在上面畫了天空、太陽叔叔和花花。太陽叔叔的一雙眼睛又圓又大，非常可愛，我脫下了千度近視的眼鏡，問囝囝：「似唔似爸爸原本嗰對精靈大眼睛？」，囝囝嘻嘻笑說；「似！」。

原來，「爸爸的青少年時代在哪? 就在你的塗鴉裏」。

(圖: 囝囝三歲時的畫)

註: 傅魯炳，原名傅炳榮，曾是70年代雙周刊的主要成員、亞洲民眾戲劇節協會的創辦成員、64酒吧的經理。70年代開始參與社會運動，2006年去世，享年54歲。

囝囝，生日快樂！

今天是囝囝的四歲生日。昨天和他參加反自駕遊, 他騎三輪車, 我在後面扶助 。看他載上剛新買的頭盔 (舊 S size 的不合頭, 他要穿五歲+碼！)，第一次載上護膝, 眼神閃閃發光，多麼神氣。許久沒有在公園騎車的他，有這樣特別的生日禮物, 非常開心, 雖然踩得有點累，也不願離開 (為安全著想 ──因駱克道街市之後遊行路線很窄, 我也扶得很累, 我們提早離開)。如果你問他為什麼會來, 他會毫不猶疑的說：「我唔想中國咁多車落0黎, 我唔想有廢氣, 我驚馬路唔安全......我想可以騎單車。」

陳曉蕾：在家生孩子(父親篇)

原文載於: Yahoo! 生活好綠 陳曉蕾 專欄

詳細文章：我的女兒在家出生

上星期寫在家生孩子，三位主角都是母親，這次寫第四個家庭，特地訪問丈夫Franklen。

Franklen原本最擔心在家分娩的安全問題，接著可是不想執拾事後的凌亂──他為了兒子，四年前撤去政策研究的工作，在家帶孩子做家務。

當時Franklen和太太一起參加產前培訓班，自以為都準備好了，然而太太開始滲羊水，進到醫院，醫生卻認為羊膜破裂過久馬上催生。「那感覺真的很被動，醫生不斷問要否打針、要否用藥，我們問有什麼副作用，他竟然答孩子出生可能會沒有呼吸！」Franklen很不滿，他和太太原本希望能夠一起運用在上堂時學過的技巧，例如按摩、轉換姿勢、生產球等，可是醫生要求太太完全地躺在床上，並且指令若十二小時後藥物催生不成功，就會進行剖腹生產。雖然太太最後在限期前把孩子經陰道分娩，兩人都覺得很氣餒。

「我甚至不記得，有沒有為孩子剪臍帶。」Franklen說由於怕血，也只敢站在太太的頭頂位置。

兒子出生後，他留在家中當全職父親，太太全職上班。

三年後女兒出生，太太堅持要在家中分娩，Franklen看過外國的統數字，原來對大部份正常孕婦來說，在家生孩子與在醫院裡的安全程度差不多，於是支持太太的決定，並且請了助產士在家接生。

生孩子那天，Franklen形容自己就像「一頭獅子，守護著寶寶的出生地」，負責處理親戚來電、突然來到郵差、速遞員、感到困惑的大廈保安員、為助產士安排拑子、剪刀、消毒工具等，還有，為太太按摩，溫柔地支持。

這次在熟悉的家裡，他覺得比較放鬆自己、鎮定，頭腦也比較清醒，太太不用一小時，就把女兒生下來，非常非常開心。Franklen這幾年習慣了劏魚切肉，不再怕血，他笑著回憶：「臍帶很堅韌，剪下去簡直像剪樹枝！」

女兒很快便能吸吮媽媽的初乳，然後在爸爸的呵護下睡。

太太生孩子時，兒子在朋友陪著在客廳看電視，女兒出生後，小哥哥才進來。爸媽一起對兒子說，雖然媽媽要忙著餵奶，可是仍然會有跟媽媽獨處的時間，爸爸會說給更多的關注：「當你未出生，你的爸爸經已決心當個爸爸，並且每天增強這個決心。」

The Story of Us

Celebrating our 15 years of living together, 8th wedding anniversity and DW's coming birthday on 28 January. Celebrating our two lovely kids




This was a perfect marriage movie but with very poor reception, because it touched on the daily stress, struggles, conflicts and hardships of marriage in realilty. Not romantic (not until the end) and indeed very confrontative so younger people (who are willing to spend) won't buy it. But it is highly acclaimed by married couples, especially those having been together for over a decade.


Michelle Pfeiffer:

That's not why I'm saying Chow Funs [炒飯, their family members all love to eat 炒飯 and only want to share happiness not sadness over the 炒飯 table].

Funs, I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight.

In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood your in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up!

And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew,

and an an an I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine.

And God your a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character!

And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of? That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times!I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply her does it?

What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you.

Celebrating the First Birthday of DD

Homebirth

DW laboured at home on Saturday and gave birth to our beautiful daughter! Thank you, Dear Wife!

(The baby was delivered by a professional homebirth midwife ... though I helped make the bed, sterilize the clips, scissors and other tools, and cut the umbilical cord myself :-))

"Black-Kite-Catches-Chicks"

Played hide-and-seek and black-kite-catches-chicks with children in the playground today. Surprised to know that many HK kids have never heard of these traditional children games - probably their post-80s parents do not know or play these games either, or they are more accustomed to ready-made toys or electronic games? Anyway DS was running happily all the time!

Excavators

An elder cousin (5) of DS only loves buses, and he has dozens of toy buses. On the other hand, DS loves all kinds of trucks( he can distinguish between truck-mounted crane ["吊雞車"] and hook-lift truck ["勾斗車"]!). He can name (in Chinese) over twenty trucks, but he loves excavators most( he sees them everywhere- it is because there are always major and minor dusty construction works around the city! :-( ).

Some of his daily activities, then, is playing excavator toys/ puzzles, reading books on diggers, asking us to draw them on the paper (and now I encourage him to draw in his own way too) , or watching, listening to and singing along with Youtube videos/songs about the machine (well as I said before I limit this guided screen-watching to at most 30 minutes per day and only on occasional days)....

To make the digger toy more interesting, I have also taught DS how to attach the clamshell of it to other hand-tool toys: the screwdriver, the hammer, the pilers, etc. so that the excavator can now not only dig but also grasp, lift, drill, hit, and cut, like a real transformable hydraulic excavator! (By the way, constructing new, complex and more powerful commands by combining simple but self-sufficient commands is in line with the spirit of Unix, not M$ Windows!) :-) DS likes to stack wooden blocks on his table until the stack is taller than him, then push each block of the "multi-storey building" down one by one with the pilers attached to the excavator - it becomes a demolition game!

Several days ago we also discovered a new fun way to play. We sat in a row (I sat behind him), and I leaned my right arm out of his chair. When DS was moving two plastic tubes ("the control levers") with his hands towards certain directions, my arm and hand ("the boom, the bucket and the shovel") also moved accordingly. "The aim" was to put the "bucket" into a dump-truck toy. DS likes this role play activity very much and has asked me to play with him every night since then! Scoop!

Ha ha... I have become a paper-expert of the excavator because I (have to) know the names of every part of it, how it moves and how to control it except that I never really drive one! ;-P I guess I indulge in excavators too!

"This is the work I really love... because that's what's an excavator does...."

Perhaps later we can integrate the learning of science, music, arts, language, etc. into the theme of excavators for this child! Education and learning can be fun, whole and self-directed!

Little Sun

I used to sing to him the song "little sun" (小太陽) after he woke up from the nap, nearly everyday. Last week, he tried to sing the song with me. I felt tears in my eyes. 太陽像那大紅花， 在那東方天邊掛， 圓圓臉兒害羞像紅霞， 只是笑不說話‧‧‧‧‧‧

A New Beginning

I thought I would not write this blog again.

When DW had returned from her business trip, I thought everything would go smooth then.

But since then, DS just screamed whenever her mom was going out to work, or had gone to the toilet for a few minutes.

At first, I thought I could readily redirect his anxious feelings, like what I had successfully done previously.

But this time, I found that I was losing my patience and tolerance.

That evening, DW after work went to the washroom for a quick shower. DS screamed the fourth time on the same day.

I could feel the muscles in my neck tighten, my ears burning, my voice trembling.

I lost it. I started to scream too and shout at him.

I continued to yell for a whole week, whenever and wherever DS was crying, whether it was 9:00 am in the middle morning, 2:30 pm in the afternoon, 8:00 pm in the evening, or 3:00 am in the early morning.

When DS had finally gone tired and slept, sometimes I sat down and wanted to cry.

I felt embarrassed, frustrated and guilty.

I had promised myself I would be a "different" kind of father: "I was supposed to stay 'cool', at all times". What had I done?



I failed to realize that, I was denying myself.

I forgot that the driving force behind my achievement motivations, the force that has constituted the enthusiastic and committed person (IMHO) I am, is my equally-strong passions.

I would not be able to teach my son to understand and live comfortably with the richness and deepness of his emotional life when he has grown up, if I had let my own intensity take control of myself.

So before I could help DS manage the power of his spirits, I have to manage mine first. This means I have to be aware of my reactions, feel comfortable with them, be accepting, non-judgemental and forgiving and learn to let go.

And sometimes, I need to stop and take a deep breath, even step away for a while, and examine my self-talks before these moral imperatives (shoulds) turn to destructive self-fulfilling prophecies.

Then one month has passed. I have not shouted again, perhaps only once. DS is still an lovely vivid expressive child, but he has also become more cooperative when his father has learned to attentively listen to the feelings of both and made appropriate responses, though not every time.

We have just lived the happiest month.

I am delighted to report that I think I have really made a difference this time, though there is still a long way for me to learn.

So this blog continues....

First Words @ 18m

Should they be counted as DS's first words: (when being asked to say "PaPa") "Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa Papa..." or just his playing with sounds? :-)

La Leche League newsletter

After my photo of DW's breastfeeding lying down became the cover picture of La Leche League Asia Newsletter (Vol.9 No.2 2008), I am so glad to know that my article "From Breastfeeding to Baby-led Weaning" will also be published in an coming issue of LLL Chinese newsletter. I hope I can make more contribution to the breastfeeding movement!

Is there anything more deeply satisfying...

... than sitting with your toddler in the corridor of a heritage museum, with him resting on your laps, looking at the raining garden, and occasionally turning around and feeding you his ricecake?

Kung Hei Fat Choy!!!

Today (Jan 26) is the first day of the Chinese year of the Ox. The Ox is the sign of prosperity through fortitude and hard work. So parents I hope this year brings you happiness and well-being in parenting your little ones. Enjoy! :bsmile

"Kung Hei Fat Choy" (Wish you a prosperous New Year)!

大雄的宇宙心靈

臨睡前，靜兒走進父親的房間，想向父親最後一次說晚安。

明天一早便與大雄結婚了。

此時，叮噹的「坦白電波」發生作用，靜兒不吐不快：

「爸爸！我不嫁了！若我走了， 爸爸便會很寂寞了。」

「那當然。」爸爸輕輕回應。

「到現在為止，我一直受你們的疼愛和愛護......但我甚麼也不能替爸爸媽媽你們做...」

「不！妳已留給我們很多禮物了！」

「禮物！？我留下的？」

「對。數之不盡。
第一件禮物就是妳的誕生。
深夜三時......妳的哭聲如天使吹奏的喇叭聲般。我從沒有聽過這麼快樂的音樂。
當我離開醫院時......東面的天邊微微浮起一片白色，但我頭上仍然只是星空一片。
在這廣闊宇宙的一角，有一個承繼我的血脈的生命誕生。這麼一想，我便十分感動！淚流過不停。
以後的每天......都是快樂的。每天都充滿著回憶。這就是妳給我最好的禮物。
雖然有點兒寂寞，但回憶會溫暖著我的心。妳不用為這件事擔心。」

「我...擔心的是......結婚後能否順利和諧地相處下去。」

「一定可以的。妳要相信大雄。
我認為妳選擇大雄是對的。
那年青人會為人謀求幸福，亦會為別人的不幸而傷心。這是作為一個人最重要的地方。
我相信他一定會帶給妳幸福的。」

﹝節錄自：藤子‧F‧不二雄著，《叮噹香港中文版》，第二十五卷，文化傳信有限公司，1993年8月29日出版。」



願我的小寶寶，長大後像大雄......