陳曉蕾：在家生孩子(父親篇)

原文載於: Yahoo! 生活好綠 陳曉蕾 專欄

詳細文章：我的女兒在家出生

上星期寫在家生孩子，三位主角都是母親，這次寫第四個家庭，特地訪問丈夫Franklen。

Franklen原本最擔心在家分娩的安全問題，接著可是不想執拾事後的凌亂──他為了兒子，四年前撤去政策研究的工作，在家帶孩子做家務。

當時Franklen和太太一起參加產前培訓班，自以為都準備好了，然而太太開始滲羊水，進到醫院，醫生卻認為羊膜破裂過久馬上催生。「那感覺真的很被動，醫生不斷問要否打針、要否用藥，我們問有什麼副作用，他竟然答孩子出生可能會沒有呼吸！」Franklen很不滿，他和太太原本希望能夠一起運用在上堂時學過的技巧，例如按摩、轉換姿勢、生產球等，可是醫生要求太太完全地躺在床上，並且指令若十二小時後藥物催生不成功，就會進行剖腹生產。雖然太太最後在限期前把孩子經陰道分娩，兩人都覺得很氣餒。

「我甚至不記得，有沒有為孩子剪臍帶。」Franklen說由於怕血，也只敢站在太太的頭頂位置。

兒子出生後，他留在家中當全職父親，太太全職上班。

三年後女兒出生，太太堅持要在家中分娩，Franklen看過外國的統數字，原來對大部份正常孕婦來說，在家生孩子與在醫院裡的安全程度差不多，於是支持太太的決定，並且請了助產士在家接生。

生孩子那天，Franklen形容自己就像「一頭獅子，守護著寶寶的出生地」，負責處理親戚來電、突然來到郵差、速遞員、感到困惑的大廈保安員、為助產士安排拑子、剪刀、消毒工具等，還有，為太太按摩，溫柔地支持。

這次在熟悉的家裡，他覺得比較放鬆自己、鎮定，頭腦也比較清醒，太太不用一小時，就把女兒生下來，非常非常開心。Franklen這幾年習慣了劏魚切肉，不再怕血，他笑著回憶：「臍帶很堅韌，剪下去簡直像剪樹枝！」

女兒很快便能吸吮媽媽的初乳，然後在爸爸的呵護下睡。

太太生孩子時，兒子在朋友陪著在客廳看電視，女兒出生後，小哥哥才進來。爸媽一起對兒子說，雖然媽媽要忙著餵奶，可是仍然會有跟媽媽獨處的時間，爸爸會說給更多的關注：「當你未出生，你的爸爸經已決心當個爸爸，並且每天增強這個決心。」

DD's first month

1. DW has been breastfeeding so well that the baby redeemed her birth weight in a week and her jaundice went away without any need to follow up medically! This surprised doctors and nurses in the Public Maternal and Child Health Centre a lot because they had insisted us to send the baby to the hospital for phototherapy (this would result in mother-baby seperaton - this is another example showing that professionals in HK are not supportive of breastfeeding ( see Jack Newman, M.D., and Teresa Pitman [2006], The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers.NY: Three Rivers Press.)

2. When the baby's jaundice was still worrying DS suddenly developed a high fever and we were hesitated whether to send him to the private hospital (it was on the weekend). Then we made a wise decision - bringing him to a good Chinese doctor. DS completely recovered after only two days (he can drink Chinese herbs better than many adults). Unlike many children of his age, he still hasn't "tasted" any antibiotics since birth. I hope he never has to suffer the side-effects of antibiotics!

3. Compared to DS, DD is a very good sleeper - she can sleep on my arms without my moving them. And no wake up even putting on the bed then. Because DS has taught us too much :-) how to deal with sleep problems of babies, taking care of DD is (a little bit) easier than we expected - at least during these few weeks - though I hope DW can have a few hours personal time every week later - she is attending to the baby almost 21.5 hours a day (the other 2.5 hours are for DS).

4. DS adjusts very well - we can't demand him more! He has begun to exhibit very loving and caring behaviors to his sister. We have taken some interesting pictures showing the interactons between the two. Hope each day has 26 hours so I can upload them asap!

DS's response to a new baby sister...

DS was watching Sesame Street in a separate room (the only way to divert his attention) when his mother was labouring, and we gave him a gift for "upgrading" to the brother status immediately after we introduced his sister to him - this is one of our tricks to reduce his anxiety. He was a little bit upset the first day - kept asking mother to "put the baby down" - but this amazing child seems to begin to adjust to the change (which we have prepared him psychologically for months) that although mother is now less available, he can still enjoy special time with her alone and even receive more attention from his father.

A New Beginning

I thought I would not write this blog again.

When DW had returned from her business trip, I thought everything would go smooth then.

But since then, DS just screamed whenever her mom was going out to work, or had gone to the toilet for a few minutes.

At first, I thought I could readily redirect his anxious feelings, like what I had successfully done previously.

But this time, I found that I was losing my patience and tolerance.

That evening, DW after work went to the washroom for a quick shower. DS screamed the fourth time on the same day.

I could feel the muscles in my neck tighten, my ears burning, my voice trembling.

I lost it. I started to scream too and shout at him.

I continued to yell for a whole week, whenever and wherever DS was crying, whether it was 9:00 am in the middle morning, 2:30 pm in the afternoon, 8:00 pm in the evening, or 3:00 am in the early morning.

When DS had finally gone tired and slept, sometimes I sat down and wanted to cry.

I felt embarrassed, frustrated and guilty.

I had promised myself I would be a "different" kind of father: "I was supposed to stay 'cool', at all times". What had I done?



I failed to realize that, I was denying myself.

I forgot that the driving force behind my achievement motivations, the force that has constituted the enthusiastic and committed person (IMHO) I am, is my equally-strong passions.

I would not be able to teach my son to understand and live comfortably with the richness and deepness of his emotional life when he has grown up, if I had let my own intensity take control of myself.

So before I could help DS manage the power of his spirits, I have to manage mine first. This means I have to be aware of my reactions, feel comfortable with them, be accepting, non-judgemental and forgiving and learn to let go.

And sometimes, I need to stop and take a deep breath, even step away for a while, and examine my self-talks before these moral imperatives (shoulds) turn to destructive self-fulfilling prophecies.

Then one month has passed. I have not shouted again, perhaps only once. DS is still an lovely vivid expressive child, but he has also become more cooperative when his father has learned to attentively listen to the feelings of both and made appropriate responses, though not every time.

We have just lived the happiest month.

I am delighted to report that I think I have really made a difference this time, though there is still a long way for me to learn.

So this blog continues....

Re: late walking

I also know a boy who started to walk only after 18 months.

IMHO, the timing of walking of a baby very much depends on his or her temperament (besides muscle strength and balancing). Your lo may just have an easy temperament - she is content about her current accomplishments. Or she just approaches walking a bit more cautiously. In either case, this is a blessing in disguise.

So don't worry - when she finally starts to walk, she will walk very well.

(Joy) DS starts to walk....We are so proud!

DW and I have never used a baby-walker and only used the stroller twice (despite having been repeatedly urged by MIL). And we (usually I) wear DS for hours everyday. But now he (at the 10th month) can already walk unaided! We are so proud of him :D because DS shows that babywearing will not hinder a baby's motor development.